you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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