Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize