My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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