I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
