i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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