Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
