I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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