I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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