So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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