My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize