I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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