Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
