Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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