I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
