And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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