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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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