Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
