Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
