My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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