I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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