the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
