haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
