I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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