she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
