Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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