Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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