I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
