my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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