Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
