My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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