This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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