my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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