I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
