Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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