We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
