he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
