i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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