I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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