And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
