A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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