Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
