Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
