i just sent this text using only my big toe
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
