She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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