Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
