Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
