Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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