you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
