Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Define "chronic" masturbator.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
