My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
