it wasn't lemon gatorade
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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