Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
