I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
