can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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