You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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