seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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