i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
