you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
