how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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