she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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