When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
