U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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