the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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