Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
