I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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