My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
