I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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