My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
